I got into law enforcement just prior to 9/11. When I say just prior to, I was in the police academy with three days left to go when the towers went down. While most people I know tell me about the horror they witnessed that day, I left with the impression of the amazing bravery of the responders, men and women coming together to help. For MONTHS afterward that was what I saw. And without a doubt that was what I wanted to be. I wanted to be counted as one of the brave ones—the people out there making a difference.
It didn’t take long in law enforcement for me to get my first dose of fear. Anyone who ever stops their first car by themselves at night experiences a bit of it. Law enforcement as a basic job is one that is built to push you into situations filled with fear. Fear is in the unknown. From the first time you do almost anything in law enforcement, fear is a constant companion. It’s the veterans who are with you who get
you through it. You see how they react and you mimic them, all the time wondering how the hell they got this steel shell.
You also learn by osmosis. You get deep-dipped in a pool filled with the toughest, bravest people anyone can imagine. From the veteran cops who appear unphased by any sort of danger to the firefighters cutting into cars to remove victims or being dropped by rope into a cave to find someone lost, to the EMTs and ER Staff who sort through blood and guts and find enough of a person left to stitch together and save, the list goes on and on. The 911 dispatchers, mostly ladies, take those initial calls of desperation and yet come across the radio as calm as air traffic controllers. The pastor helps comfort a dying man on a wreck and goes with you to deliver the death notice to the family. The sheer calm and control of these people rub off on you. You see it over and over on a daily basis and THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO BE.
Hot Calls
And that’s just the day to day. The hot calls are worse. Hot calls don’t stop coming, they just take a break. Hurricanes, tornados, wrecks, shootings, etc. Danger beyond the norm. One of my first hot calls was a domestic violence call. The academy taught us that these could be the most dangerous calls.
I was still fresh out of the academy and was riding with the Sargeant. When we got there it was a husband and wife arguing. She was leaving him and taking the kids with her. She was a tiny lady maybe 90 pounds and five feet tall. He, on the other hand, was one of the largest people I have ever seen. At almost seven feet tall he had to duck to avoid the ceiling fan in his own house. At six feet tall and over 200lbs I thought I was a pretty large guy but this guy was absolutely massive. I later found out he weighed somewhere in the 400lb range and was widely known as the strongest man around.
There were three cops in the room when he started to get loud, and I kept thinking I was going to have to shoot this man. The Sargeant was as cool as could be and he, standing all of 5 foot 6, stepped up to this beast of a man and told him to sit down or else. And the Beast sat down. Once the Beast was seated the Sarge never raise his voice again. The Sarge spoke with the man and the situation was later resolved without a fight.
Later as we drove away I asked the Sarge how he was so calm, when he was faced with a fight any sane man knew he couldn’t win. Hell, any sane man knew the three of us together were going to have a hard time winning. Sarge told me that sometimes as a cop you are going to be scared. You may have to fight people who are bigger and tougher, and often meaner. But you don’t get to quit, you don’t get to back down. In the end, most people don’t want to fight, they want to be respected, they may want to get away, or they want to win, but no one wants to fight when it’s going to hurt. If you let them push you back they will think they can win. But you are always going to be a little scared. Just when you think you aren’t scared of anything this job and life will humble you. Brave is being scared and doing it anyway.
Years and years of experience later, I know that this was only a piece of the pie. It was the slice of the lesson I needed at the time. How to go into a similar situation and stand my ground. I later learned many, MANY hard-earned lessons on the same subject. Yet all in all, I kept trying to be a brave man—hell, a brave cop.
The job gave me plenty of opportunities to face danger and stand my ground—shootings, stabbings, people being held hostage. Armed offenders, wanted persons, and murder suspects didn’t phase me. I was also blessed to be raised as a cop by a group of serious professionals who led by example. I have always had cops I looked up to who I could learn from and stand beside. I have been blessed to keep the company of heroes.
Bravery
After about a decade of this, I pretty much thought of myself as a brave guy. I was one of the local cops who could go to ANYTHING, and probably be first in the door no matter what the call. I had been the first man in the door on everything I could have imagined, including a triple homicide with gun smoke still in the air as I entered the room without a real raise in my blood pressure until afterward. I had been cool and calm during high-speed chases and I sounded like a fighter pilot on the radio, calm and in control. I faced off with no-win situations like standing up to a crowd of over 200 angry people and telling them no. I pretty much thought of myself as brave. I should have remembered that life and a career in law enforcement will humble you.
I was leaving court about 6 P.M after a long day of court security. I had just cranked my patrol car and as my radio came on 911 dispatched a call. Now as a cop, you get some signals about what sort of call you are going to, indicators not clear to the rookie or the bystander. When you can hear fear in a 911 operator’s voice, you better be ready, because it’s going to be bad. And she was scared.
The call went out as a domestic where a small child was calling because “momma’s boyfriend” was beating on momma. I turned my car in that direction and started going. The dispatcher was giving updates, one of which was I that I was by far the closest to the situation and my backup was all 10 to 15 minutes away and tied up on another call. Then she dropped the bomb. The little girl who called 911 was being chased by the boyfriend and was running from him.
Right then I knew fear. I wasn’t unfamiliar with fear so I had to keep going. I was trying to get everything I could out of that car so I could get there as fast as possible. My dispatcher was almost frantic when she delivered the next update. The child was outside and was hiding from the boyfriend who was searching for her. I was about a mile away at that time and the dispatcher continued explaining to me over the radio. She had told the child to run away, but the child refused to leave because “She had to make sure mommy was OK.” You could hear the dispatcher start to cry at the end. That doesn’t happen. Dispatchers may cry after, but they ALMOST never let fear show on the radio.
I’m cruising like a missile to the house. I know the place and I have it pictured in my mind. It’s just past sunset and my headlights light up the boyfriend standing in the yard as I have to pass the place on my left to get in the driveway. As I turn into the drive, I am tracking him to my left and I see her as my headlights cross her. This tiny little girl clutching a cordless phone, fear plastered all over her, hiding behind a big oak tree and peeking out to check on her momma.
The rest of the call is mundane. I took him into custody without incident, of course, he didn’t want to fight me. I find momma who is a bit busted up but will survive. The little girl is fine after she checks on her momma and is given a teddy bear. He goes to jail, DFACS gets involved etc. Reports and paperwork.
I cried on the way home that night and I’ve never shaken it. That moment of seeing a little girl as afraid as I have ever seen anyone, standing behind that tree, unwilling to leave her momma. I always thought I was brave until then. There’s just no way I can say I’ve ever measured up to that standard. Hell, I felt ashamed I had ever thought of myself as brave before. I’ll still try, but I’m not sure I’ll ever live up to that. I don’t know now if I am brave, I just hope I’m brave enough.
