It’s that time of the year. The Spooky season. It’s getting cooler, leaves are turning colors, and it’s time to watch scary movies, accept candy from strangers, and dress up as ghouls, goblins, and what have you. I think it’s also important we talk about self-defense against monsters. This seems to be the time of year they arise from their tombs and crypts and haunt us to the ends of the earth.
Well, they can try to. Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. Today, we are talking about how to defend yourself from the dark things that creep and peep. Think of this as Defense Against The Dark Arts but with guns and not wands. We’ll break down the various monsters we might face in the dark and the best way to defeat them using firearms.
(If you can’t lighten up for a novelty article, then this might not be for you.)
Vampires — The CZ Drake
Nosferatu, Dracula, Dr Acula, Alucard, and any other name for those disgusting blood-sucking creatures of the night. They haunt you through the darkness, hoping to take a bite out of your neck, and we can’t have that. If you catch yourself mid-interview with a vampire, why not whip out something with some potency? What kills vampires?
Garlic and crosses are an option, but they don’t load well into a gun. What we can use is stakes, or more specifically, custom-loaded wood slugs. What exactly will shoot a wood slug? A shotgun, specifically a break-action shotgun — the shells may not cycle in your standard repeating option. I chose the CZ Drake, but it’s an affordable bloodsucker removal tool.
The CZ Drake is nominally a bird gun, which can be important. I would load one barrel with a wood slug and the second with a high-powered BB load. Why BBs? Well, Vampires can famously turn into bats, and bats are basically ugly birds. The Drake is perfect for killing them suckers in any format they may take.
The Drake only offers you two shots, so you’ll need to make them count. I would suggest getting good at reloading. Luckily, vamps tend to be loners, so you might not need more than two shots. A sidearm is still suggested, of course.
Werewolves — Ruger GP-100 7 Shot
You’ve got a Lycan problem, huh? You don’t feel comfortable walking the dog at night, and they keep getting in your trash? Well, removing those furry, tick-infested fleabags is tough. They are big, mean, and made of muscle and hate. Plus, they tend to shrug off normal ammo. You’ll need silver bullets, and that kills the idea of using an automatic.
Silver is a soft metal, and the last thing you want is for it to get stuck on your feed ramp. Let’s keep it simple. The GP-100 from Ruger is a bomb-proof defensive option, especially the seven-shot model. This seven-shot .357 Magnum is perfect for werewolves. Silver won’t ever disrupt the gun’s reliability, and the .357 Magnum hits hard and digs deep. If it’s good enough for bears, it’s good enough for werewolves.
Seven shots give you plenty of follow-up. This big, beefy handgun cannon of a gun is a great option for werewolf defense and, in general, a very nice gun. It’s super well-made, highly reliable, and quite accurate. It’s handy to have regardless of the presence of a full moon or not.
Ghosts — Taurus Judge Home Defender
So you got ghosts. The thing with ghosts is that they tend to haunt one place. You might wonder how you, as a millennial, were able to afford a house. It’s because it’s haunted. Don’t fret. We have ways to get rid of those moaning Myrtles and mischievous poltergeists. You won’t even damage your home…well, not too much anyway.
We’re going with the brand new Taurus Judge, specifically the Home Defender model. Why? Well, Home Defense is in the name. The Judge series is known for being able to chamber .410 shot shells. Actually, it’s because you can load it with rock salt. Ghosts really hate rock salt. It drives them away and burns them to their core. The Taurus Home Defender offers you a 13-inch barrel, five shots, and it’s uber compact.
It’s easy to shoot one-handed while the other hand manages your Ouija board. It’s got a rail for your light. That way, you don’t get too scared of the dark. Oh, and it’s even optics-ready, so your aim won’t go to hell. The Home Defender gives five spectre-erasing rounds in a hand cannon-like platform. In the event you have to deal with a Werewolf, it can also chamber .45 Colt loads.
A Mummy — Pulsar Flame Thrower
When I say Mummy, I don’t mean someone’s English mother-in-law. I mean the Egyptian creatures that rise from the dead to carry out their curses. Why we keep digging them up is beyond me. What do zombies hate the most? They probably hate being woken up from their slumber, but what they hate almost as much as that is fire. Why fire? Well, their wrappings are highly flammable.
A little fire goes a long way, but who just keeps a torch lit all the time? You can’t always keep a torch handy, but you can keep a flamethrower handy. I’m not joking. If you have 99 problems and a mummy is one, a flamethrower will make short work of them. The Pulsar Exothermic flamethrower can absolutely destroy a zombie. It will ruin his day and keep him warm for the rest of his miserable life.
The Exothemric Pulsefire LRT Flamethrower packs electronic ignition that makes it safe and very effective to use. The Exothermic Pulsefire LRT Flamethrower can throw hot justice out to 25 feet. The mummy’s slow, waddle-like walk won’t stand a chance. Also, your English mother-in-law will hate it.
Zombies — Ruger 10/22
If there is one thing I hate, it’s foul smells. If it’s a smell that can’t be covered up with a high-quality, vanilla-scented candle, then I don’t want to deal with it. Do you know what smells? Zombies. Not only do they smell, but they approach you constantly, like those annoying people at the mall trying to sell me those crappy lotions. If I gotta deal with zombies, I need something that shoots fast and straight and allows me to pack a ton of ammo.
An individual zombie isn’t much of a threat. The problem with zombies is when they hoard up. A hoard of zombies can be quite scary to deal with. Guns like the Ruger 10/22 provide a rapid-firing, reliable, semi-automatic rifle platform. You can carry 500 rounds in your cargo pocket, and you can fill up a series of BX-25 magazines to deal with immediate threats.
A .22LR from a rifle isn’t super loud and is less likely to draw the attention of more distant zombies. I’d pair the rifle with high-quality, fast-hitting ammo. Stuff like Federal Punch, CCI Mini Mags, and similar loads. Top it off with a red dot and maybe a Magpul Hunter stock, and you’ll be good to go.
Pumpkins, Candy, and Self-Defense
I love this time of the year. It’s really my favorite. Who doesn’t love a six-pack of Reeses and a classic horror film? Don’t let the ghouls and goblins distract from a classic holiday that mixes horror and sweets in some odd relationship. I hope you and your family have a fantastic Halloween and that you enjoyed our article on how to deal with monstrous forces.
