If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years spent in the law enforcement profession, it’s to never be shocked by the outrageous words and actions of the people we encounter. The law enforcement profession, for better and worse, arguably has a front row seat to the greatest show on Earth. As my career has progressed, I’ve had the pleasure of encountering some of the more entertaining characters our society encompasses. In my opinion, it makes for some of the more intriguing stories I’ve heard in my lifetime.
It’s photoshopped!
Humanity’s urge to lie knows no bounds. Even when confronted with video evidence, three nuns, a class of honor students, and the judge presiding over the case as witnesses; a suspect will lie. Some years ago, an undercover officer asked me to make a traffic stop on a vehicle that he observed selling narcotics. As I went to stop the vehicle, it suddenly whipped into a garage and the garage door began closing behind it. Not knowing what I would be running into, I chose not to pursue the suspects as they jumped out of the vehicle and ran into the house. One of them even did a humorous “Dukes of Hazzard” slide over the hood of their car, planting his face on the floor, before he ran inside.
I knocked on the front door and was confronted by a very hostile female (one of the suspect’s girlfriends) who asked why police were harassing her. I informed her two males just ran into her house and asked if she was ok. She claimed I was lying and targeting her because she had past run-ins with the law. I didn’t know this lady (I use this term loosely and apologize to those actual ladies I’ve offended) and had never met her before. Nevertheless, she continued to give me quite a verbal dressing down before she called 911 demanding a supervisor come take a complaint for police harassment. My supervisor gladly responded and reviewed my dash camera in all its 4k HD glory. He approached her and asked her what the issue was. Her tirade repeated as my supervisor cut her off and informed her my dash camera said otherwise. “He photoshopped it!” she screamed, pointing a trembling finger at me. Realizing there was no common ground to resolve our differences, we left and the complaint went nowhere. Her boyfriend ultimately went somewhere (prison) as he continued with his nefarious drug peddling.
Whose pants are these?
The classic cliché lie any cop will hear on the job is, “Those aren’t my pants.” I don’t know about others’ upbringings and I try not to be judgmental. We’re all human and make mistakes. However, I’ve never seen such a consistent recurring theme among those engaged in the illicit narcotics trade. Have you ever put on someone else’s pants in error? Me neither. I’ve also never had a bag of meth suddenly manifest itself in my pants. It’s a bit odd, but who am I to judge the powers of narcotics teleportation? Every time I’ve heard that refrain, I’ve had to stop, take and breath, and temper my response. The most often response is, “Bro, I was born during the day, but not yesterday.”
Drugs are Bad
Drug intoxication is an interesting thing and it’s given me some interesting stories. The guy high on meth climbing a tree because he wants to be a squirrel? Yep, seen that. A grown man having a heated argument with a potted plant and trash can about where to eat dinner? That one was…interesting. A couple of years ago I encountered a gentleman who believed his wife was plotting to kill him. He met me behind the hotel they were staying at. His pupils were fixed but I could see his pulse was elevated with bloodshot eyes and eyelid tremors. If you’re not knowledgeable on drug intoxication, these are common symptoms of being under the influence of cannabis. Let me clarify – a lot of cannabis.
The poor husband told me he discovered his wife had conspired to kill him. The evidence to support his claim? A week prior he allowed her to use his cell phone. After consuming his “medicine,” he determined the predictive text on his cell phone revealed to him what his wife typed over a week ago. It was mostly gibberish with a word like “kill” or something otherwise menacing interspersed throughout. Part of working with those in mental crisis or under the influence of a controlled substance is to never partake in their delusions. It will only make the situation worse and lead them to believe their paranoia is justified. After he confirmed with me that he smoked marijuana recently, I gently informed him that he was suffering from drug-induced paranoia and needed to sleep it off. He politely listened and went to sleep in his car — still somewhat believing his wife was plotting to kill him but a little less resolute about the veracity of his claims.
The Name Game
One of my favorite pastimes in the profession is the name game. When we detain someone, law enforcement will obtain pedigree information from that individual: name, date of birth, social security number, etc to properly identify them. Where things get interesting are when a suspect can’t remember important identifying information about themselves. A 40-year-old should know their social security number, right? Well, not if you have a warrant for your arrest. Those folks conveniently forget that.
I’ve had my fair share of suspects lie about their names and identifying information to me in the hope they can give me the slip for another chance at their freedom. Sometimes they give me fake info to buy time while I step away to run their information and they make a run for it. I learned that the hard way after letting some good warrants slip away from me. One evening, I contacted a man of nefarious activities parked behind a closed business where we had some recent catalytic converter thefts. I obtained his information while my partner stood by.
“What’s your name?” “Sean”
“How do you spell that?” “Uh, uh, ‘S’, ‘W’, ‘A’, ‘N’”
“What’s your date of birth?” “XX/XX/1991’
“How old are you?” “30”
For those of us inclined towards our three “R”s of education, the math and spelling don’t add up. We were so shocked to discover, as was “Swan”, that he was not born in 1991 nor was his birth name an aquatic fowl. He did have a nice felony warrant.
The Pursuit
In a case recently adjudicated, I had a not-so-law-abiding citizen lead me and other deputies on a 50-mile pursuit through four counties. After he hit some tire-deflation devices, he stopped and gave up. Before putting him in my squad car, he made a final request before going to jail. I anticipated the classic “burn one” (a cigarette) before he went. Nope, he asked if he could get another swig of his chocolate milk. Sure enough, this individual was drinking a gallon of chocolate milk during a police pursuit. I may have let him drink some before we left and, if you’re wondering, yes, I later went and had a glass of chocolate milk too. A worthy treat for a safe end to some excitement.
Not all pursuits are people running for a good reason. Yes, some run because they’re in a stolen car, have contraband, or have a jail reservation set by a judge (warrants). Meanwhile, others run because, frankly, they’re stupid. Some people run from the police because they thought the law “forbids” law enforcement from chasing them. In a few states, that is the case. Normally, an agency’s policy restricts chasing vehicles only under certain circumstances.
Some years ago, when I was a baby cop at my first agency, a motorcyclist drove through our jurisdiction. One of the smaller municipalities attempted to stop him and he ran. They chased the motorcyclist into the neighboring jurisdiction, a larger metropolitan area, where he was apprehended. The poor motorcyclist misunderstood that, while the larger metro agency wouldn’t chase him, the smaller one would. He was rather displeased as they marched him to jail for a felony. His argument fell upon deaf ears by his arresting officer and I assume the judge in the subsequent legal proceedings.
A Seat at the Show
I stated earlier that law enforcement is a front-row seat to the greatest show on earth. I have reservations about that statement while I see its merits. We have an incredible view into the absurd lengths of ridiculousness human beings will go to, just to stay out of trouble while doing things that get them into trouble. Unfortunately, that view exposes us to the depravity of humanity. No one calls the police because they’re having a good day: stabbings, shootings, rape, child abuse, murders, crashes, thefts, etc. This profession is not for the faint of heart and has an uncanny ability to tear at the innocence of one’s soul if you let it.
The dreary words above aren’t meant as a downer to the silliness of the job I discussed earlier. Those points are perspective on why some of us in the profession have a different sense of humor — some may call it “dark” or even “gallows” humor. That sense of humor is the byproduct of having that front-row seat to “the show”. We’re in good company, though, as I see the same humor among combat veterans and other first responders. Frankly, it’s how we explain the absurdity witnessed daily.
In closing, I’ll borrow a few words from retired Lt. Tim Cotton of Bangor, Maine Police Department: “Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people’s things alone, and be kind to one another.” I would also add: “Those are your pants, drugs are bad, remember your social security number, birth date, and name, and don’t run from the police.” I don’t think it has quite the same ring to it, but you know the idea behind it.
